Welcome to the blog entry that will convince you I am totally and completely out of my mind. For that reason I haven’t shared this story with many people, and those I have shared it with, for the most part are not people I know in real life, I just did it via email. I have only actually told this story in person 4 times, but it changed my life forever. If you are close to me and are wondering why I never told you specifically, it probably because it is long, personal, confusing and to be honest I can’t really get through it without crying. Those that know me, understand that I would never dare to make this up because I fear the Lord way too much.
It happened Jan 16, 2004. This experience was a vision, not a dream, that is it was happening while I was fully awake and conscious. This is also the very brief and condensed version of the story, my journal entry is 10 types pages long. I don’t believe God “zaps” people often so I realize this experience was quite rare. This experience turned my spiritual life around, setting me on fire for Christ in a way I didn’t really think was possible.
I was with my friends, unbelievers and we started speaking about God. It wasn’t a very productive discussion, but I was trying. I started to fade, my thoughts were slowing and everything around me seemed to go into slow motion until it eventually stopped. Time was frozen, nothing moved. I could not move myself; my friends were stuck in their same position, the same image flashed on the television screen. Even though everything else was frozen my mind was running at its normal speed. I heard a loud pulsating noise which began to grow in intensity along with a flashing light. With each pulse and flash my mind said "Oh my God I am a being trapped in Hell, Oh my God I'm a being trapped in Hell, Oh my God I'm a being trapped in Hell, "Oh my God I am a being trapped in Hell,” If I said it once, I said it literally thousands of times. I remained frozen and the words sped up in my mind. The pulse became louder and stronger until I could no longer see or hear.
Each time it pulsed, I relived my entire life over in a flash, there was no way out. I experienced my entire existence every second, with every pulse. I said God, if I had one wrong belief that put me here, please destroy me annihilate me. I had wished I had never been born. I begged, please have mercy on me and make my existence cease. I did not feel the presence of God. It was the absence of time, yet it felt like I had been there for eternity. Then the thought was placed in my head by God... "No, I should not be here, I have been made clean by the blood of Jesus Christ. As I said that in my head and the pulse weakened and slowed. I began to relive my life at a slower pace until the point in time I was at in what seemed to be the present, but this time remembering only bits and pieces. I was able to see again.
God put the thought in my head, that I could break this cycle and come into consciousness again, live in the “frequency” man was created to live in. I just needed to break the cycle by doing something I had never done in eternity because I kept reliving my life until the present point. So while I was in eternity I was still in the present if that makes any sense. I saw a glass of water and began to reach for it and I began to doubt the cycle would break, and relived my entire life again up to that point in the pulse. The night was filled with these exercises of God pulling me out of what seemed like the reality of Hell, which was eternity in the present, devoid of hope and absent from God’s presence. Although after the proclamation that Jesus had saved me I felt his presence, but it felt far. I wondered if I would ever function normally again, but at the same time it was more real then anything had ever felt in my life. It was only through faith in his son that I was saved, through his grace.
I’m sparing a lot of details here, the process continued through the night as God grew my faith, but God was prompting me to leave and drive to my one day wife who was babysitting about an hour away. I was afraid to go because of my mental state, but God filled my heart with hope. I was convinced if I did what he asked the struggle would be ok. I knew I was going to go, and I knew I was going to be fine, I just had to get my heart prepared. The second I committed that I would leave right then, time quickened immensely, I was not slowed by even one pulse, or reliving of my life when I had done it countless times in that night. In the car he spoke to me through every song on the radio. Even though they were not spoken by believers, his truth was revealed through them. That night there was only one more pulse when I began to doubt.
When I got to my “wife to be” I told he the story while I was sobbing. My wife remembers this well, she has never seen me like that before or since. I felt if I just went home and fell asleep things would be much better in the morning.
And so it was. I awoke on Saturday, and although I did not have to relive my life in the pulse, God was still speaking to me and I was still in a state completely unaware of time. God taught me much that day, new lessons to strengthen my faith and reliance on him. He also placed many random thoughts in my head to be used as symbols that he strategically used throughout the day to confirm what he was showing me.
At times during the day I grew frustrated and impatient at my total unawareness to time, I wanted just to feel normal again. While at work I heard a train and God placed a thought in my mind, "the train will remind you to be patient." Later that day, when I was about to get frustrated, I heard the train another two or three times, the timing was perfectly inline with my frustration. Clearly it was God. Later that night I went again to visit my future wife while she was babysitting. After a few hours I tried to go to sleep on the couch, hoping sleep would correct my state of being. Then I heard one of the boys come home and immediately I was upset knowing the boy would want to play and keep me up. He came in the door wearing a train engineer's cap and blowing a wooden train whistle. Later that night when again I was about to sleep the younger boy came to talk to me and I was annoyed, then he asked me to read him a story. It was the "little engine that could", the children's story about the train. That was the sort of thing that happened throughout the day as God instructed me and spoke to me.
After that day I again knew sleep would bring me closer to my normal state. When I awoke Sunday morning I was healed completely and filled with the spirit for days, more than I have ever felt in my life. Ever since then I have been on fire for the Lord.
As I said early on this is a very abbreviated version, that really skips over some of the ways God confirmed and spoke things to me. If you are interested in the long version send and email to Jehoiakim777@gmail.com and let me know. Just be prepared to read 10 pages worth and I suggest you read it all in one sitting.